Oh, God.
I’m doomed.
I’ve fallen into the trap. I knew it. I’ve suffered myself for quite a long time. And I KNOW. Oh, gosh.
It’s so so so tyring to bear with this a_whole.
Really.
I’m also a masoquist.
But it’s true. I’ve been fooling myself with the delusion that I can make a difference in this world, that I can somehow make it, be it, do so. And I’ve wonder hows, whats, ifs, thens, and figured out, in all the states of nature that I’ve have created from scratch, that in the end, it’s not worth it. I’ve fooled myself. I’ve thought too much of my own delusional ideas of a resilent and fair society. I’ve gone too far. And I got stuck there. In the ninth dimension.
From there on, that was it.
The world kept going as if I never mattered. None of my actual attemps actually drove anything. In a way I exposed myself to the failure of not trying. I never left the womb. I’m still in here. And nobody cares.
Soon enough, I couldn’t care less.
So I layed there. Wondering.
Time passed by. The intentions, inclinations, hunches, hints of what I was after turned out to be quite on the money. Except I grew away from them. I couldn’t hold myself in that scenario. I was a living ghost, failing to derail or jump back into the moving high-speed train. So I stopped. Sigh.
Not every sigh is of relief.
But somehow I needed that break. And broken I was. My mending, however, was going to take a little longer. And it’s about time I can now fix what was broken along the way. Not to go back pointlessly in time to draw back some old conclusions of how I «should’ve». I have to go back to pick up the pieces that were there. The version of myself that would still be there if the pathway towards my desired transformation of society was to take place. As supposed to this: our current state of affairs.
It’s always tempting to say that I knew so. I didn’t. I couldn’t even go through with what was expected to happen once I «built» whatever the hell that was. When in fact, if I go back and trace the marks of what was there, there’s still a chance that on that search, nothing is found. The big vast void. A double worm black hole. And yet again, what else is there to show the significance, redundancy and interconnected human experiencing. Living, as we know now, will forever be interconnected to the entire human race, and the powers below it, making its advances into the money game, the warlords, and the bullying of common set of rules and governance that we set up in the mist of a less cynical era.
Will the raise of narcisists be overthrown by a non-narcisist troop? Who’s leading them? What’s moving them? What the resilient state of nature of our common struggle? I believe that’s the quest. And that’ why, long ago, when I figured out I was not fit to explain what I felt, and how to make it so that others could grap what would be or mean.
In that ninth dimention I was left alone, at the distance where I could oversee and feel what the world was going through, while I was not able to set in stone what rules to make so that we could manage to go through this process and realization I’ve just experience, but this time, all of us. Or rather, each of us.
I’m just another beat in the music played by all the harvest bugs in the jungle. But wouldn’t it be great if that music that we can buzz around the global jungle could actually feed the nature of our brand NEW global state of affairs? Wouldn’t we all want that in less violent, cynical, narcisist world? I supposed so.
But thinking that would be IT… that made me clearly a narcisist. And it made me realize: is that shit real? Is it really something, or is it just bullshit I tell myself to keep grinning at the glance of my reflection?
That’s how I got stuck. Like Narcissus, I got numb and stuck there in that other dimention.
Until now.
Reversing day.
ALLS
